A Confession of Faith in the Midst of … Failure

20150506_150850This time I’m more than just frustrated! I weight more than I did when I first started my weight loss challenge. How is that even possible?! I’m really not sure. It would seem that I’m doing all the right things, or am I? Is there a missing link to my success? If so, what in the world is it?!

Frustration, disillusionment, and even fear tap me on the shoulder to discuss my defeat, demise, and utter failure at this endeavor. I wrestle with quitting and just being … me… just the way I am and not even try any more. I considered giving up the blog. The desire to binge eat grew and in all honestly I binged for about two days. I ate just about anything I could put my hands on. Luckily it was healthier foods than what I would have been eating 6 months ago let alone a year ago. But, I still ate more than I should have. Emotional eating is detrimental to everything and I suffered physically and emotionally.

20150506_180611In all of the frustration I became emotionally numb and didn’t even do my normal 1 mi walk. I didn’t want to leave the house. If I let it, depression would have easily taken residence in my mind and heart. But guess what? There’s no vacancy. My heart and mind is filled with determination to achieve my goal. I finally came to my senses and stopped beating myself up.

Despite my discouragement, though real is temporary, I’m still determined to live a healthy lifestyle and lose this excess weight. I’m only 10 lbs away from my heaviest weight ever – and I was on steroids at the time. My back hurts and my midsection resembles that of the Pillsbury Dough Boy or the Michelin Man. Horrible. But, this too shall pass.

I recall and speak that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. My weight wasn’t define me. Neither does this moment of feeling like a failure. This isn’t the end but a spring board for me to work harder and smarter. It’s important that I’m equipped with the right information. So, I’m off to get a second opinion. There’s definitely a problem, either with my body, the information that I have or a combination of both. It may also be psychological. Who knows? But I’m determined to find my answer and achieve my goal.

In the meantime I’m enjoying my salads, leafy green veggies, soups, and cooking. 20150506_145923This was yesterday’s lunch. Kielbasa sausage on a bed of spinach & squash with barbeque sauce on a flour tortilla and a boiled egg.  I never had nor cooked squash before but it was delicious. That’s something new to my veggie menu. I even tried to cook a poached egg this week. It didn’t turn out so good. But it was fun trying.

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